K Wong

08:20 am: Family and Wedding
I'm two weeks into engagement, and wedding planning has been difficult and stressful.  I think not having my family around has a lot to do with it.  I think of myself as fairly independent; I've made some major life decisions all by myself.  But somehow, I just don't feel good about planning my wedding without my family nearby.  Maybe it's because when I think about my close friends, all of them had at least one side of their family close by giving input and help.  A lot of times, my friends feel like family, but when it really comes down to it, when I really need help, I want my family around.  They're the ones who I can delegate to and trust.  They're the ones who I'm most comfortable shopping with.  They're the ones who I feel okay about inconveniencing (maybe that's not such a good thing).  They're the ones who can stretch a shoestring budget and make something beautiful.  And they're doing the best that they can from far away, but it's hard to not have them here.

I bought a wedding dress yesterday.  I was by myself.  I liked the dress, and it'll be even prettier after we tweak it a little, but the whole process felt wrong.  I went to five stores - three with a different friend each time and two by myself.  My friends were happy to go with me, but I felt bad about asking them to interrupt their busy lives to come watch me try on dresses.  By the time I bought the dress at the 5th store, I generally knew what interested me...it was good that others had come with me the first few times to give me input.  But after I left the store, I cried.  Buying your wedding dress is hyped up as this big deal - a major milestone in a girl's life.  And no one was there to witness it.  At the same time, I was trying to tell myself that it's not that big of a deal, that it's just a dress.  But it's also the nicest, most expensive dress I've ever bought.  It wasn't my favorite wedding dress, and I might not have bought it if I wasn't alone, but I felt bad about stretching out the process longer and inconveniencing my friends further.  So this would do.

I've always thought that I would want to stay in Philly for a long time.  But it's just so far from my family.  And if I'm feeling this way with wedding planning, how will it be when I'm pregnant and raising kids?  I've been blessed by having a lot of extended family close by in Seattle.  And I see the way that we throw Sunday dinners together, drop groceries by each others' houses, and can stop by at a moment's notice.  It's like that here with my friends sometimes, and those moments are amazing.  It really shows me how God takes the lonely and puts them in families...even when they already have families but who are far away.  But I still miss my real family.

09:45 pm: Internal Locus
One thing that I've been pondering a lot recently is how to help someone develop internal drive or an internal locus of control.  How do you teach a kid to be curious and to love learning and to do something not because it's going to be graded but simply because it's interesting?  Or maybe that's something that kids naturally have that slowly dies as they move up in the ranks of school.  I get tired of hearing kids ask if something's going to be on a test.  Sometimes I want to ask them if that's all that matters to them, but that's an unfair question.  In reality, grades DO matter.  But I want learning to be about more than just grades.  And I want kids to be interested in progress and the learning process rather than just wanting all A's all of the time.

A coworker mentioned to me that he thinks my skills are being wasted in Algebra 2.  He says that I'm a great calculus teacher.  I love the subject, and by some magic transitive property, a lot of kids leave my class knowing calculus and loving it too.  A student who I taught three years ago recently came back and asked me if I still loved the chain rule.  In class, I say things like, "Oh, this is my FAVORITE calculus topic!" in passing, but I never think that kids will remember it.  Until they tell me that it's their favorite too.  =)  I know that teachers' passions are contagious, so maybe it's just that I'm losing my passion for the subject.  Can I be a good Algebra 2 teacher without being really passionate about my subject (though I do love factoring)?  Yes, I think I can be someone who explains things clearly, comes up with good examples, and structures lessons well.  But my teaching won't have quite the same flair.

But that's a bit of a tangent to the internal locus of control piece.  I've been struggling to teach kids to do the right thing just because it's the right thing.  Some people say that that can't be taught in schools, that it has to be taught at home.  But if it's not taught at home and it affects life at school, what are teachers and advisors supposed to do about it?  A few kids have been really squirrely in meeting for worship - poking each other, whispering, giggling, maybe even playing chess...they've been talked to by the principal and forced to sit in her office for a mini meeting for worship before school.  They've been talked to by me and the other grade advisor and forced to sit next to us in the following meeting for worship.  They've been glared at and reprimanded by various adults.  We've called their parents.  And yet still, the behavior continues.  Last week, a teacher talked with them for half of their lunch period.  I think she took the best approach out of all of us.  She explained why their behavior ate at the very fabric of meeting for worship and asked them to respond...and didn't let them go until they did.  She said that she didn't just want a "I'll try harder next time" platitude.  She wanted true explanations and real, concrete suggestion and she wasn't about to let them off the hook. 

Too often, for expediency's sake, I lecture.  In disciplinary situations, I just tell the kids that their behavior is unacceptable, and it better not happen again.  I usually don't take the time to probe deeper.  I'm often tired and stressed and having to talk to these kids about their behavior is another annoyance that I could do without.  Doesn't seem very "advisorly," does it?  Maybe it would be different if I had more free time in my day and wasn't always rushing off to the next thing.  If talking to them didn't mean missing my only shot at eating lunch, maybe we would have a longer conversation.  It seems to me like a lot of teachers at GFS (maybe teachers in general) err in two ways.  Either we lecture endlessly and work at curbing the behavior without worrying about what's causing it or we discuss endlessly and don't hold kids to behavioral standards because there's always an explanation.  I think the best advisor (and probably parent too) would both engage the kid and enforce consequences.  Hopefully this, like so many other things, is something that I'll grow into.

06:04 pm: Pleasing God
"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."

When I read this verse in the past, it always seemed like a reproach.  It seemed to say, "Look at the book of the law and see how far you fall short.  Have greater faith so that you can please God.  Otherwise you'll just be a big disappointment."

But when I read it this time, it was a little different.  Maybe it's the influence of CrossTalk and Mike's words about the Bible being a continuous story and the danger of taking single verses out of context.  What about earlier in Hebrews when it talks about the imperfection of the old law in its inability to take away sin?  And of the new covenant that God would put his laws in our hearts and write them on our minds.  As a Christian, God is the author and perfecter of my faith.  So I can trust that even in the gaining of faith that I'm not alone - that I can ask God for greater faith and know that prayers like that please him.  He gives me the ability to please Him, and He delights in even my smallest steps of obedience.

But even in and of itself, the verse is starting to make more sense to me.  Without faith, people have all sorts of other explanations for why things happen as they do.  But if they don't believe that the world and their lives move at the Lord's command, then they won't give credit to God or try to live in such a way as to please him and bring him glory.  Praise will be given to alternate gods - to self, to significant others, to possessions, to hard work, to a multitude of other idols, but not to the one true God.  And life would be spent chasing after these things.  With praise given to everything except to the one to whom it truly belongs, of course God, rightly jealous for his own glory, would not be pleased.

Praying for greater faith and help in earnestly seeking God.

12:54 pm: A different sort of trip
This mission trip seemed really different from the other four mission trips that I've been on.  I think it has something to do with how I'm processing it.  Now in the "post-trip tell everyone what I did this summer mode," I'm finding that my stories have a different focus.  I still talk about what I saw and did and how I felt about it, but it's less about that and more about what God is doing through this amazing organization in Honduras.  While those who supported me and others close to me will want to hear about what my experiences were, I think that the change in focus is a good one.  It's influenced by the past seven years of thinking, reading, and talking about missions. 

At times, I've wondered how useful short-term missions are.  I think the best sort of short-term missions support the work of a local organization.  It can be through completing a project by contributing money and manpower (though I believe that the organization itself should specify what project should be done) that was outside of the range of the organization's regular resources.  It can be done by providing support, encouragement, and fresh energy to already existing (and hopefully sustainable) projects or structures.  And always, I believe it should spread a vision for what God is doing in that part of the world. 

I think that our time at AFE did all three of those things, and for that I'm grateful.  Despite the fact that they seem to have a revolving door of short-term mission teams, they were so gracious to us.  One thing I particularly appreciated was their willingness to spend time with us sharing about where they see God at work.  And boy, do they ever see God at work!  In Pastor Jeony's words, "Miracles happen every day here."  I pray that I'll become more of a person who watches for, eagerly awaits, and joyfully spreads the news of God's miracles.

05:20 pm: This summer

In a week, I’ll be back at school.  Summer always seems to go by so quickly.  So what have I been up to this summer?  Here are some of the highlights:

 

• Class at Penn

I confirmed what most people already know.  I’m a total nerd at heart.  I love learning, and I love taking classes.  I could be a professional student for the rest of my life and be happy, but I’d probably want to take a variety of classes rather than classes all in one subject.  This summer, I took a math class at Penn.  Math 114 (formerly 141) to be exact.  What is a math major doing taking a freshman entry-level math class at Penn?  Well, I never took it in college.  It’s the big gap in my math education.  As a result, I never learned sequences and series.  In the fall, I’ll be teaching the advanced 12^th grade math class for the first time.  And since sequences and series are part of the curriculum, I figured it was time to learn them.  I could have learned the topics by studying a book, but I figured the classroom experience was valuable too.  Not only do I love being in class, I now look at classes through the eyes of a teacher – getting new ideas, thinking about how I would present things, always trying to improve my craft.  Going to class was the highlight of my day for those few weeks.  It was so fun to be in a math class and have new material presented and know that it’s all within my grasp, even if I have to think about it a little.  With class starting so soon, it’s a bit stressful to think about all of the new material that I still need to think about for the fall (two new classes this year!), but it’s been an enjoyable process at the same time.

 

• Fourth of July

I spent my first real 4^th of July in Philly!  Despite my ten years in Philly, I’ve never participated in the Philly 4^th of July activities.  Most of the time I’m in Seattle.  One year, I went with Eun to Six Flags.  That really is the best day to go because there are no lines!  But this year, I got to see the fireworks on the Parkway.  A bunch of City Church people met up and we hung out on blankets during the concert waiting for the fireworks to begin.  It was well worth the wait.  The fireworks were amazing, the best I’ve ever seen!  My parents always said that I was a pyro growing up because I loved setting off fireworks the most.  We would look in the papers for free firework coupons then get the papers from all of our extended family and cash in on free fireworks.  One year, someone bought us one of those multi-packs of fireworks and that was super fun too.  But celebrating the 4^th of July is a multi-day event in Philly.  The next day, Scott and I went to an all-you-can-eat ice cream fest on Penn’s Landing.  We thought we wouldn’t make it in because the line was long and we had to make it back for a mission team meeting, but we made it in just in the nick of time for our self-imposed deadline.  And then we ate!  I ate ten cups of ice cream!  It was the best!

 

• Home

I was home in Seattle for about three-and-a-half weeks.  The time was full of comings and goings.  When I got home, both my dad and Megan were out of town – my dad in China and Megan in Ghana.  My dad came back about a week into my visit, and Megan came back the last week.  I’m glad I got to see both of them.  The Wong family is starting to spread far and wide – next up will be Bethany in Scotland!  I got to spend some time with some childhood friends, which I don’t often do.  Summertime in Seattle is usually all about family.  But this year, I visited Vivian in Olympia and my visit just happened to coincide with visits from Bethany and Nithya.  Everyone should visit Seattle in the summer.  It’s so pretty.  My cousins also came to visit, and I spent some time gallivanting around Seattle with them.  I feel like I got to know Seattle a bit better what with the visits and Randy and Jenn living in downtown Seattle.  Got to watch Katelyn rolling over – tummy to back and then back to tummy – and saw two great movies, Up and HP 6.  It’s a toss-up as to which of those events was the best to watch.

 

• Garden Exploration

This summer, Scott and I explored four gardens/arboretums!  Chanticleer, Morris Arboretum, Bartram’s Garden, and the Fairmount Park Horticulture Center.  I think Chanticleer is my favorite of the four.  It was nice to spend lots of time outdoors in pretty places.  Maybe one day, I’ll have my own garden too…

 

• Mission trip to Honduras

I just got back from a week-long mission trip to Honduras.  Got to see an amazing organization up close and personal.  I think it was exactly what a short-term mission trip should be – a support to a local organization run by national people who really know the area.  We spent most of our time at the Amor, Fe y Experanza school (AFE) teaching science classes, doing VBS, and running a medical clinic.  The kids who attend the school are all somehow related to the nearby dump that serves the entire capital city.  Either they or their parents currently or formerly worked and/or lived there.  I was so impressed by the holistic vision of the founder, Pastor Jeony.  He really understands whole life change – it’s first and foremost about people knowing Jesus, but it’s also about education and jobs and a place to live and community and training for pastors and fundraising.  I’m still processing through a lot of the trip, but in the meantime, you can read our team blog at servehonduras09.blogspot.com

10:10 am: Moving
Last night was my first night in the new house.  I moved my stuff over on Saturday, but Megan and I didn't want to stay in the new house yet.  It was too disorganized and it was too hot to sleep without air conditioning.  But mostly I think we just wanted the comfort of the familiar.  We're both like that.  It takes us awhile to warm up to new things.  When I first got my own room at age 9, I think it took me a whole summer to move in.  It wasn't until a friend slept over and we slept in the new room that I finally started sleeping there.  I didn't want her to think I was a baby and couldn't sleep in my own room by myself.  So I acted like I'd been sleeping there for awhile.  I think she would've believed me if my parents hadn't said something.

When Michelle was here, she asked me when the last time was that I had my own room.  I guess it was four years ago.  My first year of teaching.  I really needed my own space then.  Not that I don't appreciate my own space now, but I REALLY needed my own space then.  And since then, I've always had roommates.  I think it's been good for me.  Good for me not to disappear into a hole.  I can't really do that even in my own room at the new house.  The house is too small.  I think I can hear everything that happens anywhere in the house.  

In the past few weeks, we moved my stuff, Bethany's stuff, Megan's stuff, and tonight I'm picking up some of Randy and Jenn's stuff too.  Good thing Scott likes moving...personally, I find it rather overwhelming and a bit sad.  But as he pointed out, it's also a time for new beginnings.  So here's to a good beginning in my new house!

06:57 pm: Penn Graduation
The end of an era.  Bethany graduated yesterday, as did Randy and Jenn.  The whole family was there to see it (minus Megan who was around for commencement today).  It was a weird feeling to be sitting up there in the stands of Franklin Field watching another Penn graduation.  We sat on the top of the stadium at Scott's suggestion and had the bonus of watching the sun set during graduation.  I heard them call the names of some of the students who I taught my first year at GFS.  I had forgotten that they were graduating.  I know I've been there for awhile now that my first wave of students have graduated from college.

I remember when Bethany first moved to Philadelphia.  We cried when the family drove away leaving us on Penn's campus.  We went to church together that day and cried through most of service.  The first week, I think I saw her every day.  Felix and Michelle both remember times when she would be collapsed on the carpet at my house bemoaning another bad experience at Penn.  And now she's all grown up and graduating from college.  And two more on the way!  I'm excited to have the twins at Penn next year, but it'll be different than having a sister in the city.  Brothers and sisters just aren't the same.  Case in point with Randy.  I've always been glad when he's in Philadelphia, and it's nice to get together for holidays, but we aren't really a part of each others every day lives. 

The summer after Bethany's freshman year, I missed her a lot.  This feels a bit the same, but with the added piece that I'm not sure when we'll be in the same city again.  All the more reason to live near my siblings when we all grow up...when I was little, I used to hope that we'd all buy houses in the cul-de-sac and live there together forever.

07:38 pm: Back
I’ve been taking a bit of a hiatus from blogging.  At times, blogging is helpful because it allows me to express myself.  Sometimes it’s frustrating because I don’t know how to express myself.  And sometimes, I just don’t want to express myself.  I want to understand myself, so I journal, but I don’t necessarily need to post those thoughts to the world.

The past two and a half months have been a bit of a whirlwind.  They’ve been emotional, tiring months, but more so than any other spring?  I’m not sure.  I’m at one of those points where I just can’t remember.  I keep thinking to myself, “Am I always so ready for the school year to end in May?”  I remember that my first year, I felt like I was totally spent by March.  I had a conversation with Felix and he said he thought that my stamina would increase a bit every year.  That the next year, I’d be fully invested until April.  I thought about it my second year of teaching when April rolled around.  He was right.  I haven’t thought about it much since then, until now.  I wonder if it’s because I have a lot of new responsibilities this year.  It’s easier to think that it’s just that than that teaching just no longer appeals to me and that it’s time to move on.

26 is gone and on to 27…while 27 has some interesting properties, the best being that it’s 3 cubed and the last number-to-its-own-power that I’ll hit, I think I’m still mourning 26.  Growing up, I always thought that 26 would be THE landmark year.  The get married and start life as a stay-at-home mom phase.  When I got older and that seemed less likely, that dream was pushed into a corner to make way for other dreams:  visions of teaching in a city or doing development work abroad.  And yet those dreams haven’t come to fruition either.  When I’m being dramatic, I think of Anne saying, “My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes.”  When I’m not being dramatic, I think again about the following that I wrote about in my last post.  So my life has taken some twists and turns.  It’s never been the way that I thought that it would be.  Interesting, because I’m a planner and I like to think ahead and can often anticipate what will happen in the short-term, but long-term plans rarely work out the way that I think that they will.  Perhaps it’s not so surprising in that know-it-all me often needs reminders to seek the wisdom and guidance of “God only wise.”

Some highlights of the past few months…the flower show, talking with Dave before his sabbatical, birthday festivities, Felix and Jess’s wedding, the cross-country road trip, specifically Seattle and Chicago food and friends and Zion National Park, Ethiopian food, Bible studies, long phone conversations with friends far away, the twins visiting and subsequent decision to come to Penn Engineering, meals with church folk, seeing Katelyn, visits with my mom, breakfasts with my sister, planting flowers, RBH’s, laughing.

10:17 pm: Following
On the day the tabernacle, the Tent of the Testimony, was set up, the cloud covered it. From evening till morning the cloud above the tabernacle looked like fire. That is how it continued to be; the cloud covered it, and at night it looked like fire. Whenever the cloud lifted from above the Tent, the Israelites set out; wherever the cloud settled, the Israelites encamped. At the LORD's command the Israelites set out, and at his command they encamped...Whether by day or by night, whenever the cloud lifted, they set out. Whether the cloud stayed over the tabernacle for two days or a month or a year, the Israelites would remain in camp and not set out; but when it lifted, they would set out. At the LORD's command they encamped, and at the LORD's command they set out. They obeyed the LORD's order, in accordance with his command through Moses.

I've always liked this description of God's guidance.  It seems so clear.  You look at the cloud.  If it's still above the tabernacle, you stay put.  If it's moving, you follow it.  Even at night, it's visible.  You can just look at it and be reassured that you're in the right place.

But thinking about it today, I wonder if I would have felt restricted by the cloud.  What if I wanted to stay, but the cloud starting moving?  What if it was an inconvenient time, if I were right in the middle of something?  Or conversely, what if I wanted to go, but the cloud wasn't moving?  I like being on my own time schedule (probably too much so).  And in order to properly follow, I would have to have been aware of the cloud no matter what I was doing. 

Lately, I've been having the girls in my small group pray for peace for me.  When I look six months into the future, parts of it just have big, scary blanks.  My first response is to try and explore all of my options and plan ahead.  But I don't want to worry or micromanage or spend too much time living in the future.  Like the Israelites, I can know that the God of the universe, my creator who has my best in mind, is guiding me.  I'm reminded that I need to fix my eyes on Jesus, ignoring what feels like an ocean of uncertainty.  On the other hand, I do need to be wise and take steps in my planning.  Knowing my tendencies, I'm much more prone to overplan than underplan, so the lesson here for me is probably to wait upon the Lord.

10:14 pm: Katelyn Emma Wong
Today is Katelyn Emma Wong's birth day!  My first niece!  I got the text message when I was in school and rushed over to the hospital right after school.  She's adorable.  Of course I would say that.  I'm her aunt.  But she really is cute.  I'm not a baby person.  I don't think every baby is cute.  Usually, they look a little bit like what I think an alien would look like.  But I look at little Katelyn and she just melts my heart. 

And so the next generation of Wongs begins...