K Wong

12:54 pm: A different sort of trip
This mission trip seemed really different from the other four mission trips that I've been on.  I think it has something to do with how I'm processing it.  Now in the "post-trip tell everyone what I did this summer mode," I'm finding that my stories have a different focus.  I still talk about what I saw and did and how I felt about it, but it's less about that and more about what God is doing through this amazing organization in Honduras.  While those who supported me and others close to me will want to hear about what my experiences were, I think that the change in focus is a good one.  It's influenced by the past seven years of thinking, reading, and talking about missions. 

At times, I've wondered how useful short-term missions are.  I think the best sort of short-term missions support the work of a local organization.  It can be through completing a project by contributing money and manpower (though I believe that the organization itself should specify what project should be done) that was outside of the range of the organization's regular resources.  It can be done by providing support, encouragement, and fresh energy to already existing (and hopefully sustainable) projects or structures.  And always, I believe it should spread a vision for what God is doing in that part of the world. 

I think that our time at AFE did all three of those things, and for that I'm grateful.  Despite the fact that they seem to have a revolving door of short-term mission teams, they were so gracious to us.  One thing I particularly appreciated was their willingness to spend time with us sharing about where they see God at work.  And boy, do they ever see God at work!  In Pastor Jeony's words, "Miracles happen every day here."  I pray that I'll become more of a person who watches for, eagerly awaits, and joyfully spreads the news of God's miracles.

05:20 pm: This summer

In a week, I’ll be back at school.  Summer always seems to go by so quickly.  So what have I been up to this summer?  Here are some of the highlights:

 

• Class at Penn

I confirmed what most people already know.  I’m a total nerd at heart.  I love learning, and I love taking classes.  I could be a professional student for the rest of my life and be happy, but I’d probably want to take a variety of classes rather than classes all in one subject.  This summer, I took a math class at Penn.  Math 114 (formerly 141) to be exact.  What is a math major doing taking a freshman entry-level math class at Penn?  Well, I never took it in college.  It’s the big gap in my math education.  As a result, I never learned sequences and series.  In the fall, I’ll be teaching the advanced 12^th grade math class for the first time.  And since sequences and series are part of the curriculum, I figured it was time to learn them.  I could have learned the topics by studying a book, but I figured the classroom experience was valuable too.  Not only do I love being in class, I now look at classes through the eyes of a teacher – getting new ideas, thinking about how I would present things, always trying to improve my craft.  Going to class was the highlight of my day for those few weeks.  It was so fun to be in a math class and have new material presented and know that it’s all within my grasp, even if I have to think about it a little.  With class starting so soon, it’s a bit stressful to think about all of the new material that I still need to think about for the fall (two new classes this year!), but it’s been an enjoyable process at the same time.

 

• Fourth of July

I spent my first real 4^th of July in Philly!  Despite my ten years in Philly, I’ve never participated in the Philly 4^th of July activities.  Most of the time I’m in Seattle.  One year, I went with Eun to Six Flags.  That really is the best day to go because there are no lines!  But this year, I got to see the fireworks on the Parkway.  A bunch of City Church people met up and we hung out on blankets during the concert waiting for the fireworks to begin.  It was well worth the wait.  The fireworks were amazing, the best I’ve ever seen!  My parents always said that I was a pyro growing up because I loved setting off fireworks the most.  We would look in the papers for free firework coupons then get the papers from all of our extended family and cash in on free fireworks.  One year, someone bought us one of those multi-packs of fireworks and that was super fun too.  But celebrating the 4^th of July is a multi-day event in Philly.  The next day, Scott and I went to an all-you-can-eat ice cream fest on Penn’s Landing.  We thought we wouldn’t make it in because the line was long and we had to make it back for a mission team meeting, but we made it in just in the nick of time for our self-imposed deadline.  And then we ate!  I ate ten cups of ice cream!  It was the best!

 

• Home

I was home in Seattle for about three-and-a-half weeks.  The time was full of comings and goings.  When I got home, both my dad and Megan were out of town – my dad in China and Megan in Ghana.  My dad came back about a week into my visit, and Megan came back the last week.  I’m glad I got to see both of them.  The Wong family is starting to spread far and wide – next up will be Bethany in Scotland!  I got to spend some time with some childhood friends, which I don’t often do.  Summertime in Seattle is usually all about family.  But this year, I visited Vivian in Olympia and my visit just happened to coincide with visits from Bethany and Nithya.  Everyone should visit Seattle in the summer.  It’s so pretty.  My cousins also came to visit, and I spent some time gallivanting around Seattle with them.  I feel like I got to know Seattle a bit better what with the visits and Randy and Jenn living in downtown Seattle.  Got to watch Katelyn rolling over – tummy to back and then back to tummy – and saw two great movies, Up and HP 6.  It’s a toss-up as to which of those events was the best to watch.

 

• Garden Exploration

This summer, Scott and I explored four gardens/arboretums!  Chanticleer, Morris Arboretum, Bartram’s Garden, and the Fairmount Park Horticulture Center.  I think Chanticleer is my favorite of the four.  It was nice to spend lots of time outdoors in pretty places.  Maybe one day, I’ll have my own garden too…

 

• Mission trip to Honduras

I just got back from a week-long mission trip to Honduras.  Got to see an amazing organization up close and personal.  I think it was exactly what a short-term mission trip should be – a support to a local organization run by national people who really know the area.  We spent most of our time at the Amor, Fe y Experanza school (AFE) teaching science classes, doing VBS, and running a medical clinic.  The kids who attend the school are all somehow related to the nearby dump that serves the entire capital city.  Either they or their parents currently or formerly worked and/or lived there.  I was so impressed by the holistic vision of the founder, Pastor Jeony.  He really understands whole life change – it’s first and foremost about people knowing Jesus, but it’s also about education and jobs and a place to live and community and training for pastors and fundraising.  I’m still processing through a lot of the trip, but in the meantime, you can read our team blog at servehonduras09.blogspot.com

10:10 am: Moving
Last night was my first night in the new house.  I moved my stuff over on Saturday, but Megan and I didn't want to stay in the new house yet.  It was too disorganized and it was too hot to sleep without air conditioning.  But mostly I think we just wanted the comfort of the familiar.  We're both like that.  It takes us awhile to warm up to new things.  When I first got my own room at age 9, I think it took me a whole summer to move in.  It wasn't until a friend slept over and we slept in the new room that I finally started sleeping there.  I didn't want her to think I was a baby and couldn't sleep in my own room by myself.  So I acted like I'd been sleeping there for awhile.  I think she would've believed me if my parents hadn't said something.

When Michelle was here, she asked me when the last time was that I had my own room.  I guess it was four years ago.  My first year of teaching.  I really needed my own space then.  Not that I don't appreciate my own space now, but I REALLY needed my own space then.  And since then, I've always had roommates.  I think it's been good for me.  Good for me not to disappear into a hole.  I can't really do that even in my own room at the new house.  The house is too small.  I think I can hear everything that happens anywhere in the house.  

In the past few weeks, we moved my stuff, Bethany's stuff, Megan's stuff, and tonight I'm picking up some of Randy and Jenn's stuff too.  Good thing Scott likes moving...personally, I find it rather overwhelming and a bit sad.  But as he pointed out, it's also a time for new beginnings.  So here's to a good beginning in my new house!

06:57 pm: Penn Graduation
The end of an era.  Bethany graduated yesterday, as did Randy and Jenn.  The whole family was there to see it (minus Megan who was around for commencement today).  It was a weird feeling to be sitting up there in the stands of Franklin Field watching another Penn graduation.  We sat on the top of the stadium at Scott's suggestion and had the bonus of watching the sun set during graduation.  I heard them call the names of some of the students who I taught my first year at GFS.  I had forgotten that they were graduating.  I know I've been there for awhile now that my first wave of students have graduated from college.

I remember when Bethany first moved to Philadelphia.  We cried when the family drove away leaving us on Penn's campus.  We went to church together that day and cried through most of service.  The first week, I think I saw her every day.  Felix and Michelle both remember times when she would be collapsed on the carpet at my house bemoaning another bad experience at Penn.  And now she's all grown up and graduating from college.  And two more on the way!  I'm excited to have the twins at Penn next year, but it'll be different than having a sister in the city.  Brothers and sisters just aren't the same.  Case in point with Randy.  I've always been glad when he's in Philadelphia, and it's nice to get together for holidays, but we aren't really a part of each others every day lives. 

The summer after Bethany's freshman year, I missed her a lot.  This feels a bit the same, but with the added piece that I'm not sure when we'll be in the same city again.  All the more reason to live near my siblings when we all grow up...when I was little, I used to hope that we'd all buy houses in the cul-de-sac and live there together forever.

07:38 pm: Back
I’ve been taking a bit of a hiatus from blogging.  At times, blogging is helpful because it allows me to express myself.  Sometimes it’s frustrating because I don’t know how to express myself.  And sometimes, I just don’t want to express myself.  I want to understand myself, so I journal, but I don’t necessarily need to post those thoughts to the world.

The past two and a half months have been a bit of a whirlwind.  They’ve been emotional, tiring months, but more so than any other spring?  I’m not sure.  I’m at one of those points where I just can’t remember.  I keep thinking to myself, “Am I always so ready for the school year to end in May?”  I remember that my first year, I felt like I was totally spent by March.  I had a conversation with Felix and he said he thought that my stamina would increase a bit every year.  That the next year, I’d be fully invested until April.  I thought about it my second year of teaching when April rolled around.  He was right.  I haven’t thought about it much since then, until now.  I wonder if it’s because I have a lot of new responsibilities this year.  It’s easier to think that it’s just that than that teaching just no longer appeals to me and that it’s time to move on.

26 is gone and on to 27…while 27 has some interesting properties, the best being that it’s 3 cubed and the last number-to-its-own-power that I’ll hit, I think I’m still mourning 26.  Growing up, I always thought that 26 would be THE landmark year.  The get married and start life as a stay-at-home mom phase.  When I got older and that seemed less likely, that dream was pushed into a corner to make way for other dreams:  visions of teaching in a city or doing development work abroad.  And yet those dreams haven’t come to fruition either.  When I’m being dramatic, I think of Anne saying, “My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes.”  When I’m not being dramatic, I think again about the following that I wrote about in my last post.  So my life has taken some twists and turns.  It’s never been the way that I thought that it would be.  Interesting, because I’m a planner and I like to think ahead and can often anticipate what will happen in the short-term, but long-term plans rarely work out the way that I think that they will.  Perhaps it’s not so surprising in that know-it-all me often needs reminders to seek the wisdom and guidance of “God only wise.”

Some highlights of the past few months…the flower show, talking with Dave before his sabbatical, birthday festivities, Felix and Jess’s wedding, the cross-country road trip, specifically Seattle and Chicago food and friends and Zion National Park, Ethiopian food, Bible studies, long phone conversations with friends far away, the twins visiting and subsequent decision to come to Penn Engineering, meals with church folk, seeing Katelyn, visits with my mom, breakfasts with my sister, planting flowers, RBH’s, laughing.

10:17 pm: Following
On the day the tabernacle, the Tent of the Testimony, was set up, the cloud covered it. From evening till morning the cloud above the tabernacle looked like fire. That is how it continued to be; the cloud covered it, and at night it looked like fire. Whenever the cloud lifted from above the Tent, the Israelites set out; wherever the cloud settled, the Israelites encamped. At the LORD's command the Israelites set out, and at his command they encamped...Whether by day or by night, whenever the cloud lifted, they set out. Whether the cloud stayed over the tabernacle for two days or a month or a year, the Israelites would remain in camp and not set out; but when it lifted, they would set out. At the LORD's command they encamped, and at the LORD's command they set out. They obeyed the LORD's order, in accordance with his command through Moses.

I've always liked this description of God's guidance.  It seems so clear.  You look at the cloud.  If it's still above the tabernacle, you stay put.  If it's moving, you follow it.  Even at night, it's visible.  You can just look at it and be reassured that you're in the right place.

But thinking about it today, I wonder if I would have felt restricted by the cloud.  What if I wanted to stay, but the cloud starting moving?  What if it was an inconvenient time, if I were right in the middle of something?  Or conversely, what if I wanted to go, but the cloud wasn't moving?  I like being on my own time schedule (probably too much so).  And in order to properly follow, I would have to have been aware of the cloud no matter what I was doing. 

Lately, I've been having the girls in my small group pray for peace for me.  When I look six months into the future, parts of it just have big, scary blanks.  My first response is to try and explore all of my options and plan ahead.  But I don't want to worry or micromanage or spend too much time living in the future.  Like the Israelites, I can know that the God of the universe, my creator who has my best in mind, is guiding me.  I'm reminded that I need to fix my eyes on Jesus, ignoring what feels like an ocean of uncertainty.  On the other hand, I do need to be wise and take steps in my planning.  Knowing my tendencies, I'm much more prone to overplan than underplan, so the lesson here for me is probably to wait upon the Lord.

10:14 pm: Katelyn Emma Wong
Today is Katelyn Emma Wong's birth day!  My first niece!  I got the text message when I was in school and rushed over to the hospital right after school.  She's adorable.  Of course I would say that.  I'm her aunt.  But she really is cute.  I'm not a baby person.  I don't think every baby is cute.  Usually, they look a little bit like what I think an alien would look like.  But I look at little Katelyn and she just melts my heart. 

And so the next generation of Wongs begins...

09:23 pm: Truth
The theme of today's in-service day was advertised as "technology." I really wasn't looking forward to it because I felt like it would be one more thing that I feel like I need to add to my plate but really don't have time for. And in some ways, it was a bit like that. I got lots of new ideas that I want to implement, but probably will only implement one or two. But I've come to realize that with these professional development things, if I come away with even one or two good ideas that become a part of my regular teaching practice, it's worth the time. The key is to work on it right away - when I'm thinking about it - before the rest of school life crowds in.

I'm not sure the advertised theme really did today's in-service justice. We talked about creative uses of technology, specifically about connective writing. How blogs and wikipedia and things that kids create and can edit is really changing the way that news and information is processed and publicized. He said that our goal should be to teach kids to be smart about their internet usage. We want them to be "googled well"- that when their name is typed in, all this cool stuff that they've created comes up. The major impediment for math is the fact that typing math is clunky and time consuming because there really isn't any software that makes it as easy as typing text. At the same time, I'm inspired to look for ways to get my kids to interact with one another over math somehow. More to come on that.

There was one line of the in-service that really stuck with me. The speaker said that with open editing like wikipedia has, people can collaboratively construct truth. On these sites, people censor one another, the extremes are pulled more towards the mean and content is polished and refined. I've been thinking about that all day. Something about that statement didn't sit well with me. As a Christian, I don't think that people construct truth. It doesn't matter what the majority thinks. I think that truth is an absolute thing - that the Bible, the inspired word of God, is truth revealed. But then I thought about how I often study the Bible with groups of people. When I study with groups of people, I often see things that I wouldn't have seen before. Sometimes, somebody suggests an interpretation that I hadn't thought of, but could become convinced of with enough evidence. I still wouldn't call Bible study the construction of truth, but we can come to a deeper understanding of that truth through our discussion. Is it still possible that we could come to a wrong conclusion? Yes, there are more checks and balances, but there is still the possibility of a wrong interpretation.

I think that's where the difference lies. When people construct truth together, they are defining together what is right or wrong. So by definition, they can't be wrong. Absolute truth is true no matter what the group agrees upon. The plumb line shifts from what the majority thinks to what God says (though interpreted through our own human lens). A subtle distinction, but an important one, I think.

04:35 pm: Goodbye, juniors!
This year, instead of my annual pizza making party with my junior math class, we made pancakes. We would have made pizza except we were on a different schedule this year and the only day that would have worked was the day of the Christmas tea, so the kitchen was being used. So we had a last period pancake making party instead.

I adore my accelerated math class this year. They’re just so fun to teach! Today they were making banana pancakes and heart pancakes and pi pancakes and theta pancakes and pancake people. They’re enthusiastic about everything and have so much personality. I’ll miss them in January.

Sometimes I wonder if I as a teacher would have liked teaching me as a student. I’m not sure I would have. Smart kids are easy to teach, but I really like the curious, enthusiastic kids or the kids who need help. The quiet kids who sit and do their work and get every problem right don’t seem to need me. I make an effort to get to know them just so they don’t get overlooked amongst a sea of needier kids, but we don’t always bond. It sometimes surprises me that my teachers were able to write recommendations for me. How did they get to know me if I didn’t reveal much of myself in class?

08:20 pm: Ambitions
Today was the annual alumni assembly at GFS. A woman from the class of ’99 came back and talked about her work in Kenya. She basically runs a school that has healthcare and feeding programs attached. As such, she’s an educator, an administrator, a fundraiser, a community activist and more. The whole time that she was talking, I kept thinking, “She has my dream job.”

I walked out encouraged that my dream job actually exists, but discouraged because we’re in the same graduating class and when I hear about all the stuff that people my age have accomplished, it makes me wonder what I’m doing with my life. People have always said that I could do anything that I wanted because I’m smart and a hard worker. Somehow, “anything” has translated into educating those who already have an advantage in this world.

So I was discouraged partly because I wonder if I’m just this huge waste of potential and partly because I realized that my “dream job” entails a good number of things that I have no experience in and probably wouldn’t be good at. Like fundraising, lobbying the government, and garnering community support. I know how to teach in an independent school in America. What makes me think that I know anything about starting a school in another country? I haven’t worked for an NGO. I know very little about politics or medicine or international relations. I just like kids a lot and believe strongly in the power of education.

It annoys me when people talk casually about undertaking some huge project without a full understanding of what it entails. It gives me the impression that they aren’t taking it seriously since they haven’t done the research and it seems almost disrespectful to the people who have or are doing similar things. And as things sometimes work out, I’m realizing that I’m one of those people too. That I talk about these grandiose dreams of helping people, but it’s really from a very naïve perspective. I don’t have the training or the background or the temperament to do my “dream job.” And if I tried to do it without those things, I might find my dream turning into more of a nightmare. That is, if my happiness depended on success in my work. Sometimes it does more than it should.

And yet, the thought keeps running through my head that if this is a God-given dream, he’ll equip me for it and it will come to pass.

I think that’s part of it – wondering what is the point of dreams and ambitions. I feel like my life today is so different than the way I envisioned it at different points in my life. I’m not the twenty-six year old wife and mother that I once thought I’d be. I’m not this life-changing teacher who rescues kids from their troubled lives in the public schools. I’m not a missionary overseas spreading the gospel to people who have never heard of Jesus. Sometimes I feel like my life has been one big cop out. Of choosing what was comfortable above what was hard.

10:12 pm: Sister time
Sister time today. One of the last sister times that we’ll have all together in Philadelphia. It was in Philadelphia that all of the siblings got to know each other as adults. It’ll be the end of an era when Bethany, Randy, and Jenn move away in May.

But today, we spent time in Chinatown and in Reading Terminal Market talking about the past, present, and future at a squishy table meant for two over blueberry pancakes, milk tea, and Chinese buns. This is the stuff that memories are made of.

09:03 pm: Babies
his weekend, I took my second trip to Virginia in as many weeks. This time to meet baby Eliza! I’m not really a baby person – I don’t think that most of them are cute and they don’t really do much except cry and sleep. But I do like being there after babies are born to share in the experience and to help the family in any way possible. Parents of newborns always seem exhausted. Michael mentioned that there must be a forgetting gene that keeps women from remembering the whole childbirth experience. Otherwise no one would have more than one baby.

The whole prospect of pregnancy and childbirth are a little scary to me. Scary because it’s always such a tough time for women in my family. Nine months of throwing up and feeling horrible don’t really sound that great. And I don’t even want to think about the emotional trauma of losing a baby (every woman on my mom’s side of the family has). And yet somehow, my mom’s parents have twenty grandchildren. I don’t doubt that it’s worth it. I’m hoping to have lots of kids. But still, an intimidating thought.

But baby time is coming soon for my family! Only two and a half months before I get to meet my new niece! I can’t wait…

09:01 am: Almost Christmas!
This week, it’s begun to feel like the Christmas season. I went Christmas shopping twice – once with my small group and once with Scott. Both times, to buy presents for Angel Tree kids. It’s triply fun because I like buying things for kids, I like buying presents for people who don’t have very much, and I like sharing that experience with other people.

Then on Thursday, the long awaited holiday party! I settled on a pretty red halter dress after searching far and wide for an outfit that would suit the occasion. It was fun to get dressed up and spend the night with Scott’s coworkers. It’s always interesting for me to meet people after I’ve heard about them for awhile. Interesting to see if my image of them before I meet them matches my perception of them after I meet them. The seating arrangement prevented me from talking to them quite as much as I would have liked, but it was good to be there anyway. And the person who I talked to the most was the person who I went to spend time with, so it all worked out in the end.

10:18 am: My First Thanksgiving
It's not my first Thanksgiving. That would make me eight months old. But for some reason, when I was thinking about this post, I was thinking about those photo frames that say "Baby's First..." fill in the blank.

Thanksgiving is an important holiday for me. It's the first holiday that I feel like really belongs to my generation. Growing up, we didn't really have big Thanksgiving celebrations. Or maybe, we just had so many family dinners that it just blended in with all the others. We had turkey plus Chinese food. It was different for Christmas. For Christmas, we spent three days together - Uncle David's birthday, Bethany's birthday and Christmas all in a row. And a family dinner for each one. If we were pressed for time, sometimes birthday dinners would be combined. The tree and the pictures and the singing and Bible reading made it unique. Thanksgiving was more something where we worked on homework in the morning, helped cook in the afternoon and then had family over for dinner. Again, much like all of our other family dinners. Sometimes I think we have an abnormal number of family dinners - when I'm home in the summer, it feels like we have one every other week. So I've learned to cook for large numbers of people, but it's usually under the directive of my mom or one of my aunts. They tell me what to do. I do it.

"Real Thanksgiving dinner" came to our family when Jenn married Randy. For the first two years of their marriage, we had Thanksgiving dinner in New York. In 2004, it was just me and them. In 2005, it was me and Bethany and them. We would take the train or bus from Philly on Wednesday night, sleep in on Thursday morning and then cook and watch cable TV all afternoon. The third year, Randy and Jenn came to Philly and we cooked together here. That night, we went to bed early so that Bethany and I could experience our first real Black Friday when we got up in the middle of the night to get Felix's Christmas present. Last year, we had Thanksgiving in Philly. Bethany, Megan, and I cooked most of the food (Randy cooked the turkey) and brought it over to Randy and Jenn's apartment where we had dinner with two of their friends who were international students. This year, Randy and Jenn are in Texas and it's my first time making Thanksgiving dinner without them.

But all that to say that I feel like this is the first holiday that belongs to my generation because we've created tradition without my parents. There are certain foods that we eat every year and certain things that we do together like walk around the city or watch a movie or go Christmas shopping. And we have pictures to commemorate each year. This year is different. Randy and Jenn aren't around. Bethany and Megan aren't coming over until this afternoon. And it makes me wonder, is every year slightly different and I just haven't noticed or does this year just feel remarkably different? We still have a holiday to celebrate and we'll do our traditional activities, but it also feels like we're starting a new phase of Thanksgivings without Randy and Jenn here. This year, we'll split time between Philly and Virginia - my sisters and I are driving down tomorrow to stay at Scott's house. I'm glad to go because I really like going to Scott's house and I'm excited for my sisters to meet his family, but I'm a bit sad because it feels like the end of an era. Even when I know change is good, it takes some getting used to. Makes me wonder if heaven will be an eternity of sameness or if there will be change there as well.

03:59 pm: The other part of the song
My last post was on "man's empty praise." This one's on riches.

We were talking in the math office today about socioeconomic status and political affiliation. I was shocked to hear predictions of how much people make and how many people make that much. Someone said that they think that there are at least twenty millionaire families at GFS. I just can't fathom that. But all of my coworkers nodded and acted like that was a reasonable estimate. They all laughed at my dropped jaw and incredulous, "No way!" People started talking about indicators of wealth - the cars, the clothes, the careless way that some kids handle money - then one of my coworkers said in a really gentle way, "Kristen, people really do make that kind of money. You just don't see it."

They listed out all of the professions that make over $100K and pointed out that if you have two people living together, they only need to make an average of $50K to make six figures as a household. That's just crazy to me. What do people do with that kind of money? I know we have kids who take weekend trips to Italy - I'd settle for once. =) I'd renovate my family's kitchen. Maybe I'd buy some pretty dresses and some of the rare books that I've wanted to add to my children's book collection. But what then? I guess when people have money, they find ways to spend it.

One of my favorite coworkers said that it was a shame that some people he knew were voting Republican just to avoid tax increases for their income bracket. He said that it didn't seem right - that people would have more than enough and not want to share. He said that he doesn't care if people are rich. If they've earned it, they've earned it. The part that bothers him is the selfishness and the lack of care for fellow man. He's not Christian, but I often think that his sentiments have echoes of Biblical values in them. "Common grace," as they say at City Church.

"But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream!"

05:51 pm: Definition
“Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise…”

Thinking about that this evening after singing it at small group. It was good to be in a community of believers again. I love my small group so much. They so clearly love Jesus and want to know him in an authentic way.

But been thinking about the topic of man’s praise a lot. Last week, some people commented that I’m GFS’s rising young star. I’ve been tapped to do important stuff like grade advising, admissions and curriculum review. People have said that they wish I were a college advisor or department head because they think I’d do a good job. Maybe I’m thinking of myself more highly than I ought, but I really think I’d be given anything that I asked for at work simply because they want to keep me.

Then this week, when I met the people on the evaluation team, I was clearly the young, inexperienced one. I hate feeling like people are dismissing me because they think that I don’t know what I’m doing. It makes me want to work extra hard to prove them wrong. At the end of the project, I think people left with a good impression of me and my work ethic.

I don’t think that that’s necessarily a bad thing, but I don’t want it to be the driving force in my life. I don’t want people’s opinion of me to be more important than it should be. I want God’s approval to be what I work for. I want what He says about me to define me.

09:45 pm: New job
I've been thinking about what it means to be an introvert in an extrovert's job. It means that when I go home at the end of the day, I'm tired. This has been the case for as long as I've worked in a school, but more so now that I'm advising. I thought at first that it was just because I was working longer hours - and I still think that that's a major contributor to the tiredness. But as I've talked to people this week, I've realized that it's also because a lot of advising is about talking and problem solving and concentrated listening. I'm good at the administrative stuff that is the other piece of grade advising, but the being in constant contact with people part wears on me.

I've always said that teaching has a bit of a performance aspect to it. But even performers can be introverts. When I teach, the conversation is controlled. After four years, I know most of the questions that will come in the classroom setting. After I learn my kids' personalities, I know what to expect from them most days and the things that will make them listen or laugh. Of course, there are always those off-days where someone will come in uncharacteristically quiet or crying or with a lot of bravado...but I never deal with those things in the classroom. If a kid is really upset, I'll let them pull themself together and come back in later. If it can wait until after class, I talk to them then - after I've had a period to devote at least a thought or two to it. But now, now I get stopped in the hall by faculty and students and when I'm not being stopped, I'm stopping someone else to talk to them. The only parent contact that I've had is when I initiate, but that may change as the year goes on. Right now, either parents just don't feel the need to talk to me about their children, or they think I don't know enough so there's no point in asking.

Which brings up my subconscious anxiety that I'm not doing a good job of advising. I had a dream last night in which Florence told me that she knows it's my first year and all, but that I really needed to be more hands-on with my kids. She said it in a nice way, but I cried in my dream anyway. I think it's stemming from this phone call that I need to make to a parent that I've been putting off. I really think that this kid is fine and that we don't need to involve the parent, but I also don't like talking to parents on the phone and that's probably coloring it. It's nice having Florence around and I feel like I'm learning a lot from her, but I have to make a conscious effort to remember that we won't always do things the same way and that's okay. She's more prone to tell kids to do something whereas I'm more of a person who suggests. I think we both probably need to move more toward the other side. When we lead meetings together, she ends up fielding most of the questions, partly because she's a more direct talker who jumps right in and partly because she has a wider knowledge base about issues relevant to the tenth grade. And when that happens, I usually feel like I'm not pulling my weight...

All this to say that my job has changed and that the change is stretching me and I want to respond to these changes well, but sometimes feel pushed to the limit. Sometimes I just want to close my office door and stare off into space or surf the web mindlessly or be lost in my own thoughts. And after work, I need to recharge. Sometimes I want to talk about my day, but usually I need focused questions. I need help even thinking about my day because it usually passes in a blur. On normal days, I can recount most of the events that happened. On better days, I can recount my reactions to them as well.

Through it, I'm praying that my life would be "anchored to the rock, riding the waves as they come" as George says. I think I often have a "I'm going to do everything, I have to do everything otherwise it won't get done" attitude. In Bible study, I've been struck by what Jesus left undone. He healed many, but he didn't heal all. He left needy people with their needs unmet. Rather than spending all of his time preaching, healing and performing miracles, he spent a lot of time doing life with his disciples - teaching them by his words and his actions as they walked, ate, and talked together. And early in the morning, Jesus stole away to spend time alone with his Father. He lived his life with a sense of purpose and a firm commitment to his calling. May I know my calling and be faithful to it.

12:56 pm: Baked goods
I had a conversation with my housemates this morning about Teddy Grahams.  How they've been around forever and how there are more types now than they used to be and how good they are.  Megan and I have always really liked Teddy Grahams.  I think it's because we both really like graham crackers so anything with that taste or consistency has an automatic in. 

Sometimes people are surprised when they find out that there are store bought cookies that I like.  Their rationale is usually, "Oh, but you bake so much...don't you like your stuff better than the stuff in the store?"  I guess I just think of it in different categories.  Sometimes I bake because I'm craving something in particular, but usually it's for other people.  And I just like the process of baking.  When I'm not rushed (and sometimes even when I am) it's theraputic.  I guess you could say it's my one creative outlet.  I also like it because the finished product is something that people like (most of the time).  But the point is, while I eat the stuff that I bake and I like it, I just don't think of it the same way as I do store bought stuff. 

Store bought stuff is special and for special occasions only - like when it's on sale or when my family is on vacation or when Felix gets a craving for juice at night and we go to the store and spot chocolate chip teddy grahams...  I don't know if they do this in stores all over the states, but in Seattle and in California, when a little kid goes to the bakery in a grocery store, the person working at the bakery counter is supposed to give them a sugar cookie in a fun shape with sprinkles on top.  Bethany says those cookies are gross.  Looking back, they're not the greatest cookies, but it was part of the grocery store experience for us.

Mint Milanos were probably my first favorite packaged cookie.  My aunt Doris always bought them for me when she came to visit Seattle or when I visited her in California.  I think I started liking them just because she liked them.  Peppridge Farm cookies in general are good - I think their soft cookies would win the best packaged soft cookie in my book. 

Oreos were a favorite after school snack - Jenn commented once that Randy is very good at dunking Oreos in milk for the perfect length of time.  He learned that from after school snack time. 

I remember eating Nutter Butter cookies when I was little but then didn't see them again until high school.  They're good.  A package doesn't last very long in my house.  I still remember when we were eating them after lunch one day and I had one left on my plate and I was talking to someone and when I looked down it was gone.  Randy ate it.  And that was the last one in the package.  =(  My family still talks about that every time we get Nutter Butters.

As far as non-mainstream stuff goes, I really like going into bakeries and looking at their stuff.  But I usually don't buy anything because the prices always seem ridiculously high.  The one exception is Specialtys bakery in Seattle.  Last summer was the first time that I had their cookies.  I met Bethany downtown for lunch and we just walked in and ordered sandwiches when I noticed their day old cookie section.  All the cookies were half price and there was one that looked really good (Bethany said it looked yucky but we have different food tastes).  I brought it home to share with Megan and we've been trying to replicate the recipe for the past two years.  One of these days...

Other baked goods that are worth buying...
-the raspberry marzipan cake that my aunt Karen had for her wedding in Seattle
-chocolate croissants from the Restaurant School in Philly (the ham and cheese croissants are also really good there)
-donuts from Pike Place market

Okay, so the list isn't very long.  I'm still on a quest for a good chocolate chip muffin.  I've bought one at probably five different places and they always LOOK really good, but are never as good as they look.  Unfortunate, but I'm still holding out hope.  Maybe Megan and I can create the perfect one once she makes sixteen digits and we quit work to open up our own bakery.

10:06 am: The kids' section
The kids' section at the Penn Bookstore is an important place for me.  It's where I used to retreat during my freshman year of college when I needed a break from things.  I would go and read my favorite books and get lost in the stories all over again.  And when I emerged, I felt more myself - even though I missed having hours to curl up on the sofa or near the fire at home, it reminded me of my childhood and some things that I loved.  During grad school, even though I had a thousand things to do, I would go there to read Harry Potter...I read the first five books that way and went home that summer to share them with my siblings.  Even when I wasn't going to the bookstore to read children's books, if I had a stack of cooking magazines or whatever else struck my fancy that day, I would often take my reading to the kids' section.  I would sit on the stage next to frog and toad and read away, trying to ignore the double takes that most people did when they saw an adult (although they probably thought I was a teenager on a college visit) reading in the kids' section.

When I find people who like children's books, I feel like I've found a kindred spirit.  I remember heading for my favorite spot one day and there was a girl already sitting there!  We didn't talk, but I grinned at her and she smiled back at me.  My childhood best friend and I continue to bond over good childrens' books - the latest being Howl's Moving Castle.  I lent my copy of Ella Enchanted to a friend last year and she returned it a week later.  I commented that she had read it quickly and she said that she actually read it the night that I gave it to her but she was embarrassed to admit that so she had waited a week to give it back.  =)  On the flip side, I've given away a lot of books to friends that haven't been received with as much enthusiasm as I've given them with.  My mom says that you can't give books to just anyone because they might not appreciate them.  I remember telling a friend that I was going to read in the kids' section of the bookstore and inviting him to join me.  He wasn't interested.  I find other points of commonality with friends who don't like children's books, but usually I'm convinced that they just didn't read the right books growing up or surely they'd love them as much as I do!

One of my favorite moments of my first week back in Philly - reading picture books in the kids' section with Scott.

12:27 am: Children
I think one of the most precious things in the world is having a baby fall asleep in my arms.  I always think of it as some quality that parents magically acquire that babies will fall asleep on them.  Maybe I’m overanalyzing, but to me, it speaks to a feeling of safety and absolute trust.

We got to watch my cousins, Jake, Maddy and Ben while their parents went out to dinner this week.  Well, we had Jake and Maddy for about twenty-four hours, but my aunt and uncle didn’t want to leave Ben with us overnight.  Ben is one of the most energetic two year olds that I’ve ever met.  He’s always running around and jumping throwing things and singing at the top of his lungs.  His singing is usually limited to the first two lines of the song but his repertoire is growing.  He likes his family best, but he's also generally friendly (unless he's tired).  He's even willing to kiss people goodbye - but no cheek kisses for him!  Ben kisses straight on the lips.  =)  Watch out, little girls...

We purposely wore Ben out by making him walk the river path with us over to the playground.  By the time we got home, he was super tired.  He splashed around in the tub for a bit and curled right up on the bed when we put him down to sleep.  But then he cried, missing his mom and dad who were out at the movies.  Maddy, ever the wonderful big sister, patted him on the back until he quieted down, but soon it was time for her to go to sleep too.  So I took her place and sat next to him and rubbed his back, but he just kept looking at me with those big eyes of his.  So pretty soon, I curled up next to him and pulled him into my arms and held him until he fell asleep.  

While we were lying there, I kept thinking what a wonderful gift children are.  And yet at the same time, training children is a weighty responsibility.  It’s a responsibility that I hope I’ll have the privilege of embracing one day, but I’m nervous of screwing up.  This is a LIFE we’re talking about, not some baking experiment or a problem to solve.  But besides just enjoying kids, two things that I really look forward to in parenting are coming to understand more deeply and rely more heavily on the grace of God and experiencing aspects of the parent love that God has for me.  Until then, I'll just have to keep "borrowing" the children of friends and relatives.  =)